A Trip to the Dentist

Off to the dentist, right? And my dentist says, “Hmmm.” A bad sign. Sure enough, bad news. Some cavities, and that means Pain, Suffering, and Expense. Pain and Suffering I can handle, but I have an emotional attachment to my money. But I’ve got dental insurance, right? I mean, how bad can it be?

Let’s find out. In due time I get an email from my dental “provider” entitled, “Explanation of Benefits
for Thomas Jacobs Claim Number XXXXX.” OK, let’s hear the bad news. But … not so fast. The email tells
me to, “Simply log on to Consumer Toolkit” at a web address. The email also thanks me for, “partnering with
us as we Go Paperless to help the environment with electronic delivery of statements.” Well, I’m always
ready to help the environment. I believe in Global Warming, no matter what the Republicans say. So I
play along, and screw around with my computer, and finally get to a page that asks for my user name and
password. Is this the elusive “Consumer Toolkit?” Who knows? I’m gonna go with it.

User name and password? I try all the use names and passwords I’ve ever used plus my mother’s maiden name and the name of my first dog. Nothing. But wait … maybe there’s an out. The email also says, “If you are the intended recipient but do not wish to receive communications via this medium, please advise sender immediately.” That’s it! I’ll ask the dental provider to phone me! No password, no user name. Just like the good old days, when the dentist handed me a bill and I paid it!

Except … the email also says, “This is an automated email so please do not reply to this address.” Great.
Can’t log on, can’t reply. But wait! The email says to “use the online inquiry form link provided at the
bottom of the Consumer Toolkit welcome screen.” Of course. Simple. Except … where is the “inquiry form link?” In fact, what in the hell is a “Consumer Toolkit?”

So I do what any red-blooded American tax-paying citizen would do. I give up. My dentist is gonna charge
me what he charges, My dental plan is gonna pay whatever percentage of that bill that they pay. I’m gonna pay the rest.

That’s the American Way. Immutable. Like Global Warming